Looking Back, Moving Forward

It's been almost a year since my last post. Amazing. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the things I wrote.  What's wonderful is the Lord continues to pull me forward; directing my thoughts to Him.  Now rather than fear, I find a growing disatisfaction with myself. The me who i want to be and the me that I am. The me that desires to know God to the fullest, and the me who can whip out a few memorized scriptures.  But isn't that what this life is about? Daily dying to ourselves and embracing God's truth. I'm thankful for the struggle which reminds me what I am now isn't what God wants me to be; what He's called me to be; or what He's MADE me to be.

This year I've learned (I guess I've always known) "Through your love, I exist in this world." (Sacred Space).  We haven't been created and then set loose in this world to scramble around trying to survive.  We have been "fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm139:14.  And have a God ordained PURPOSE.  "...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

My existence and my purpose are wrapped in Jesus.  I catch glimpses of what this means and it fills me with so much peace and freedom.  But rather than fleeting moments, I'm asking the Lord to show me what it means for these truths to be natural, like breathing.  I'm on a mission.

Revelations

I've been learning things about myself lately.  if you would have confronted me about them, I would have denied it. But I have discovered literally over the last several days, how far I've drifted from God and I had no idea. Not foundationally by any means. I'm confident at any point in my life, I could never be swayed to believe anything other than what i know to be true. That Christ died for me, I'm forgiven, a new creation....apart from Him, I am nothing. I pray, I attend bible studies, and I attend church. I love the Lord. Shouldn't that be enough? I allowed myself to be deceived that it was. And gradually, without knowing, seeds of doubt and fear were planted in my heart. I accepted those fears, praying over them, yes, but not rebuking them. Not absolutely refusing to allow them to be a part of my life.  And without even realizing it a slow, crippling habit began to form. Life and all it's difficulties became something to react to, to fight off, to put blinders on and plow through hoping nothing touched me or my family. Other people's sad stories became possibilities for my own life. I began to put myself in their position...What would I do, How would I react?  I couldn't find any joy in the everyday. This wasn't and isn't, me. It's not who God intended me to be. It's not the wife my husband deserves and it's not the mother my son needs.  

How could this have happened?

It turns out there is a difference between praying throughout the day, attending church, and participating in bibles studies..and actually being so full of Jesus and God's word there is no room for anything else. There is a difference between living in peace hoping my circumstances stay pleasant and knowing they won't stay pleasant and still being joyful. Peter talks about this a lot.  Suffering. Accepting it. Being joyful because of it.  Behaving in it's midst to where others take notice and want what you have. As I read it, the Lord revealed again no one is exempt from hardships. He is keenly aware of what our future holds. Not only that, He knows the end. And if He knows how things end, He must provide the means to arrive at that end. And so He carries me through. 

But the key is spending time in His Word.  As a result it will trump every doubtful, negative, anxious, prideful, ugly thought we have.

So that's where I begin. Ephesians 6: 13-18. The Armor of God.

Where the time goes...

Wow. Nearly, seven months have gone by and so much has happened. Nothing revolutionary. Just life. Here are the highlights:

Jude turned 1 on June 28, 2010! We celebrated with a beach ball pool party at my parents house and had so much fun!

Getting ready to sing happy birthday to our little one year old. His cousin, Joy snuck in for a better look at the beach ball cake!

Winnie the Pooh train from Grandpa and Grandma...a favorite!

Swimming with my sweet Jude!

At a water playground on his actual birthday.

After the Birthday celebrations were over, we took on our yard sale, which is where i left off last summer.  We couldn't believe the amount of items donated to us. It was unbelievable. We ended up holding two sales. We had great friends, family, and neighbors helping us pull it together.  Between the two weekends we were able to bring in around $3500 dollars--a nice little start to our fund!

Our Backyard! There was more in the front yard, driveway and garage!

In August we made a trip to Wallowa Lake...a beautiful place. Unfortunately, it rained so our camping trip became a cabin trip! The first night we planned at a Bed and Breakfast. Very fun and quaint. Jude did not do well in a strange place and cried and cried until 1am. oye. The other guests were kind enough to say they didn't hear a thing, but....i find that hard to believe! The next night was scheduled at the campground, but it was cold and raining so hard we opted for a cabin at the last minute. Thankfully, one was available.

Jude at Wallowa Lake..he spotted a bird.

My boys on the Lake!

At a coffee shop in Joseph, just down the road from Wallowa.



Spiderman for Halloween! The mask didn't go over well, but we liked the muscles! We didn't visit any houses, but Jude loved running to the door and handing out candy. This year we had over 200 trick or treaters!

A windy day for the church harvest party!

Christmas was fun this year and included lots of time with our cousins: Paul (4), Joy (2 1/2), Claire (2 1/2), Shepherd (14M), and James (13M).

Before Christmas Eve mass.

There we go. The last 7 months in a very small nutshell! 

What Do You Expect?

Corey was dragging his feet at my idea of a yard sale to help raise money for our next adoption.  But friends and family have been so generous, showering us with all kinds of items, that he's changed his tune! A few of the items we have collected: two couches, a recliner, two computer desks, a microwave, a queen mattress, a sofa table, four lamps, nightstands, toys, a total body workout machine (similar to the chuck norris), a TON of girls clothes, and much more! When you commit whatever you do to the Lord, your plans will succeed (Proverbs 16: 3)...so what did we expect?  Since I've never done a yard sale before, I've appreciated all the tips from friends!  You can tell Jude and I don't know where to start with our organizing.  Many things will go on craigslist so we can get a higher price..but also to make room in our garage.  It's very exciting. We're already praying for our baby. Health and safety. We're not gender specific in our request to the agency.  The Lord knows what we need. But my heart is full of all things pink. But I love blue too. That's why I'm thankful the Lord chooses. Perhaps He'll send us one of each...in that case, I'll need to hold several more yard sales.

Among other things, we're holding a Yard Sale to earn money for our next little one!  We're looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us and Jude...a new little brother..or sister...? 

Disheartened

Well, i recently discovered (again) there are those in the world who can take the most wonderful situations and turn them into a sad, terrible things. I came upon an adoption blog written by a very bitter birthmother. She must have a lot of bitter followers, too. On her most recent post, there were 21 comments. Curious, I reviewed them, and shouldn't have. Things that were said SHOCKED me.  As an adoptive mother I posted my own comment (I couldn't help it and I was pretty gentle!) and received a nasty one in response. For Corey and I to be happy with our new family, there certainly had to be a loss on behalf of the mother. While we know she is lost and searching for the Peace we all seek, we think so highly of her and the decision she made.  There is no greater act, nothing more selfless than giving your child to another, knowing it is for their well being.  

Corey and I spent several years praying and beseeching the Lord with so many questions about this journey. While I guess you could say we were often overwhelmed with where our path was taking us, (not knowing your future can do that) Jesus was always at the core.  No one understands the deep recesses of your heart like our Lord, so we continually took our burdens, hopes, and dreams to Him...laid them at His feet, all the while trusting He had our very best in mind and knew the desires of our hearts.  We often prayed for the birthmother..that she was staying healthy, that she was making the right decision to adopt her baby, and as she was reviewing the faces of possible parents for her baby that she would choose us if it was right. I'm confident that God, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated all the roads that brought us together.  God was all wrapped up in this adoption.

So with the Divine miracle that is our family, it's hard to imagine there are those who feel there is a negative side to creating families through adoption.  But, as I write this, I'm not rattled by their comments for my own sake, but by the bitterness they carry over the loss of their children and the adoptive parents who have them.  So with that, I pray for these women who hold tightly to the resentment, bitterness, and anger that is shaping their lives. May they know the sweet release of forgiveness, rest in the freedom of His peace, and find new joy that their children are being raised in loving homes, which they provided, through adoption.  

Jude's First Easter!

We were surprised to see snow on good friday...enough to cover the ground!  By the end of the day, it was warm and sunny.

                                      Hunting for Eggs!