Looking Back, Moving Forward

It's been almost a year since my last post. Amazing. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the things I wrote.  What's wonderful is the Lord continues to pull me forward; directing my thoughts to Him.  Now rather than fear, I find a growing disatisfaction with myself. The me who i want to be and the me that I am. The me that desires to know God to the fullest, and the me who can whip out a few memorized scriptures.  But isn't that what this life is about? Daily dying to ourselves and embracing God's truth. I'm thankful for the struggle which reminds me what I am now isn't what God wants me to be; what He's called me to be; or what He's MADE me to be.

This year I've learned (I guess I've always known) "Through your love, I exist in this world." (Sacred Space).  We haven't been created and then set loose in this world to scramble around trying to survive.  We have been "fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm139:14.  And have a God ordained PURPOSE.  "...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

My existence and my purpose are wrapped in Jesus.  I catch glimpses of what this means and it fills me with so much peace and freedom.  But rather than fleeting moments, I'm asking the Lord to show me what it means for these truths to be natural, like breathing.  I'm on a mission.

Revelations

I've been learning things about myself lately.  if you would have confronted me about them, I would have denied it. But I have discovered literally over the last several days, how far I've drifted from God and I had no idea. Not foundationally by any means. I'm confident at any point in my life, I could never be swayed to believe anything other than what i know to be true. That Christ died for me, I'm forgiven, a new creation....apart from Him, I am nothing. I pray, I attend bible studies, and I attend church. I love the Lord. Shouldn't that be enough? I allowed myself to be deceived that it was. And gradually, without knowing, seeds of doubt and fear were planted in my heart. I accepted those fears, praying over them, yes, but not rebuking them. Not absolutely refusing to allow them to be a part of my life.  And without even realizing it a slow, crippling habit began to form. Life and all it's difficulties became something to react to, to fight off, to put blinders on and plow through hoping nothing touched me or my family. Other people's sad stories became possibilities for my own life. I began to put myself in their position...What would I do, How would I react?  I couldn't find any joy in the everyday. This wasn't and isn't, me. It's not who God intended me to be. It's not the wife my husband deserves and it's not the mother my son needs.  

How could this have happened?

It turns out there is a difference between praying throughout the day, attending church, and participating in bibles studies..and actually being so full of Jesus and God's word there is no room for anything else. There is a difference between living in peace hoping my circumstances stay pleasant and knowing they won't stay pleasant and still being joyful. Peter talks about this a lot.  Suffering. Accepting it. Being joyful because of it.  Behaving in it's midst to where others take notice and want what you have. As I read it, the Lord revealed again no one is exempt from hardships. He is keenly aware of what our future holds. Not only that, He knows the end. And if He knows how things end, He must provide the means to arrive at that end. And so He carries me through. 

But the key is spending time in His Word.  As a result it will trump every doubtful, negative, anxious, prideful, ugly thought we have.

So that's where I begin. Ephesians 6: 13-18. The Armor of God.

Where the time goes...

Wow. Nearly, seven months have gone by and so much has happened. Nothing revolutionary. Just life. Here are the highlights:

Jude turned 1 on June 28, 2010! We celebrated with a beach ball pool party at my parents house and had so much fun!

Getting ready to sing happy birthday to our little one year old. His cousin, Joy snuck in for a better look at the beach ball cake!

Winnie the Pooh train from Grandpa and Grandma...a favorite!

Swimming with my sweet Jude!

At a water playground on his actual birthday.

After the Birthday celebrations were over, we took on our yard sale, which is where i left off last summer.  We couldn't believe the amount of items donated to us. It was unbelievable. We ended up holding two sales. We had great friends, family, and neighbors helping us pull it together.  Between the two weekends we were able to bring in around $3500 dollars--a nice little start to our fund!

Our Backyard! There was more in the front yard, driveway and garage!

In August we made a trip to Wallowa Lake...a beautiful place. Unfortunately, it rained so our camping trip became a cabin trip! The first night we planned at a Bed and Breakfast. Very fun and quaint. Jude did not do well in a strange place and cried and cried until 1am. oye. The other guests were kind enough to say they didn't hear a thing, but....i find that hard to believe! The next night was scheduled at the campground, but it was cold and raining so hard we opted for a cabin at the last minute. Thankfully, one was available.

Jude at Wallowa Lake..he spotted a bird.

My boys on the Lake!

At a coffee shop in Joseph, just down the road from Wallowa.



Spiderman for Halloween! The mask didn't go over well, but we liked the muscles! We didn't visit any houses, but Jude loved running to the door and handing out candy. This year we had over 200 trick or treaters!

A windy day for the church harvest party!

Christmas was fun this year and included lots of time with our cousins: Paul (4), Joy (2 1/2), Claire (2 1/2), Shepherd (14M), and James (13M).

Before Christmas Eve mass.

There we go. The last 7 months in a very small nutshell! 

What Do You Expect?

Corey was dragging his feet at my idea of a yard sale to help raise money for our next adoption.  But friends and family have been so generous, showering us with all kinds of items, that he's changed his tune! A few of the items we have collected: two couches, a recliner, two computer desks, a microwave, a queen mattress, a sofa table, four lamps, nightstands, toys, a total body workout machine (similar to the chuck norris), a TON of girls clothes, and much more! When you commit whatever you do to the Lord, your plans will succeed (Proverbs 16: 3)...so what did we expect?  Since I've never done a yard sale before, I've appreciated all the tips from friends!  You can tell Jude and I don't know where to start with our organizing.  Many things will go on craigslist so we can get a higher price..but also to make room in our garage.  It's very exciting. We're already praying for our baby. Health and safety. We're not gender specific in our request to the agency.  The Lord knows what we need. But my heart is full of all things pink. But I love blue too. That's why I'm thankful the Lord chooses. Perhaps He'll send us one of each...in that case, I'll need to hold several more yard sales.

Among other things, we're holding a Yard Sale to earn money for our next little one!  We're looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us and Jude...a new little brother..or sister...? 

Disheartened

Well, i recently discovered (again) there are those in the world who can take the most wonderful situations and turn them into a sad, terrible things. I came upon an adoption blog written by a very bitter birthmother. She must have a lot of bitter followers, too. On her most recent post, there were 21 comments. Curious, I reviewed them, and shouldn't have. Things that were said SHOCKED me.  As an adoptive mother I posted my own comment (I couldn't help it and I was pretty gentle!) and received a nasty one in response. For Corey and I to be happy with our new family, there certainly had to be a loss on behalf of the mother. While we know she is lost and searching for the Peace we all seek, we think so highly of her and the decision she made.  There is no greater act, nothing more selfless than giving your child to another, knowing it is for their well being.  

Corey and I spent several years praying and beseeching the Lord with so many questions about this journey. While I guess you could say we were often overwhelmed with where our path was taking us, (not knowing your future can do that) Jesus was always at the core.  No one understands the deep recesses of your heart like our Lord, so we continually took our burdens, hopes, and dreams to Him...laid them at His feet, all the while trusting He had our very best in mind and knew the desires of our hearts.  We often prayed for the birthmother..that she was staying healthy, that she was making the right decision to adopt her baby, and as she was reviewing the faces of possible parents for her baby that she would choose us if it was right. I'm confident that God, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated all the roads that brought us together.  God was all wrapped up in this adoption.

So with the Divine miracle that is our family, it's hard to imagine there are those who feel there is a negative side to creating families through adoption.  But, as I write this, I'm not rattled by their comments for my own sake, but by the bitterness they carry over the loss of their children and the adoptive parents who have them.  So with that, I pray for these women who hold tightly to the resentment, bitterness, and anger that is shaping their lives. May they know the sweet release of forgiveness, rest in the freedom of His peace, and find new joy that their children are being raised in loving homes, which they provided, through adoption.  

Jude's First Easter!

We were surprised to see snow on good friday...enough to cover the ground!  By the end of the day, it was warm and sunny.

                                      Hunting for Eggs!




                                                    
                       

Learning to stand

Jude wants to play fetch with Espn!

Six Grandkids!

Joy (2yrs) Paul (3yrs) Jude (8mon) Claire (22mon) James (3 1/2mon) & Shep (5mon)

Don't cry Claire!

I went running late this afternoon with corey pushing jude in a stroller. we have a st.patty's day race this weekend..6K. I don't run so it's especially challenging for me! Several members of my family will be joining us, so it should be fun. I won't be setting any records though...Top o' the mornin' to ya!

As I continue to read this book, I've been caught up in the idea of "visioncasting." Our words can so easily influence that of others..our family, friends, those we come in contact with. With a sentence we can inspire someone to be greater than they thought they could be...or shake their confidence enough to change the course of their life in a less than positive way. The author, Andy Stanley, quoted Larry Crabb:

"What would it be like if we had a vision for each other, if we could see the lost glory in ourselves, our family, and our friends?"


Lost glory. Do you ever wonder what you could be? What you were destined to be? Hopefully we're all living the lives we imagined we would...and we're right where we're suppose to be. But if not, how do we get there? How do we discover who we're meant to be? How do you influence and encourage others to take hold of their God ordained destiny? What is God's vision for all of us?

It's encouraged me to take hold of the hope that God has great things for me and those around me...a destiny I try to imagine, but, for now, it's hard for these eyes to see. no lost glory here.

Corey and i have been discussing what a difference Jude has made in our lives. There are the obvious changes...our schedules, me staying at home, changing diapers, not eating out, getting up for that night time feeding at 2am (still). But aside from all that, we've decided Jude is a promise, a tangible answer to our prayers. We love him like all parents love their children, I'm sure, but we also see him as confirmation that the Lord hears and answers our prayers. This difficutle season in our lives, not only resulted in a family, but sealed in our hearts how loving and gracious our God is.

One of my favorite scriptures is Ephesians 3:14-20

14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

My favorite verses are 19-20....he who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine… a reminder that God is beyond all of our circumstances and troubles, beyond time and our worries, sees past what we are and instead sees who we can be, who we will be, in Him...

Jude Thomas

Well, well, well...look who decided to start blogging again! i wasn't very good about doing it before...so we'll see. I picked a great time to start up again...just as one of my favorite shows, 24, is starting. I guess i can type during commercials.

We adopted our little boy last summer! Jude Thomas officially became a Heitschmidt on January 22, 2010. He is so precious and continuously makes us smile. I marvel at how far we've come over the last couple of years. A wide range of emotions; fear, anxiety, a lot of anger, a lot of questions, deep sadness, loneliness, hope, happiness, and joy. While we started our family through adoption out of necessity, we realize now what a spectacular example it is of God's love. We've been chosen by Him, adopted into His family, pulled out of the ashes and consecrated for His glory. We anxiously await the next addition to our family, knowing the Lord has all these things in His hands.

I've been reading a great book lately, Visioneering, by Andy Stanley. If you've ever had a vision about what your life should be spent doing, if you've ever had a deep passion for something, if you've ever felt the world as you know it should be different than what it is, you should read this book. It discusses the difference between good ideas, which fade, and God given visions, that require His leading.

Memorial Day Weekend

We spent Memorial Day weekend at Long Beach Washington. A fantastic break and time to see Janice's family as well as let Espn swim in the ocean. That dog had such a fun time jumping all over the surf and waves.

The Golf Membership...

I got it again. I talked Janice into letting me get the golf membership at Canyon Lakes again. However, this year it came with more of a price. It now costs the membership + new patio furniture + her manicure/pedicure on Sunday...This was much easier last year when I was just able to get the membership.

So, tomorrow, I'll be on the greens while she's getting the manny/peddy. Then in the afternoon, we can enjoy drinks on the patio.

More good news...Espn hit her 2nd birthday May 15th. Janice got her a new bed and a new pink collar. I don't know why we can't get more of a cool collar, because the pink just doesn't say coolness when I take her to the park for some dock jumping.

Happy Easter!!! In mass today we were reminded that Good Friday is ALWAYS followed by Easter Sunday! Regardless of who we are, we can now approach His throne with confidence. Jesus' death and resurrection tore the veil from top to bottom and we have the ability to approach the Holy of Holies without fear. While Good Friday has perhaps resembled darkness, fear, loneliness in our lives....we can now receive the light, hope, and joy that comes with knowing Christ and what he has done for us! For in Jesus there is no darkness...NONE.

Our circumstances don't necessarily changed because of this, but our reaction to our circumstances does...we now have someone who is above all things and can help us navigate through all of life's trials...someone we can approach freely, lifting up prayers knowing there is a God who hears and feel the peace that is ours because of His sacrifice for you, me and the entire human race.

He is Risen!

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday. It's a special day, representing the core of our faith, the reason we get up every morning and are able to face the day.

There are moments of life we all face...dark, sad times that make us feel wobbly, uncertain of who we are and what our purpose is. Life takes us down roads we don't understand because we never expected to be there. We question the fairness of what we face, mourn over bad decisions, wonder "why them and not me?" We watch our world crumble around us or those we love. We cry and pray and hear only silence in return. The ground we walk on suddenly feels like shifting sand beneath our feet. Relationships fail and people disappoint us. The valley is deep and the shadows are long. All the while we long for a light and for peace, but it never seems to come. We're always searching, always longing, always wondering. Any room for hope is squelched by the fear that moves through our heart.

Yes....we all go through days like Good Friday, where the only sound that breaks through the silence is the sound of defeat and heartache....darkness settles over us. And all hope is gone.

Almost 9 years

On our great Disneyland trip, we realized that this year will be 9 years of Janice and I being married! Holy Cow! 9 years? What the heck happened? We were just on our honeymoon at Disneyland, and bam, 9 years later we're back visiting some friends on a business trip...When did we grow up? I might as well start telling stories saying, "Back in my day..."

Disneyland in the Rain

Janice had a convention in Los Angeles last weekend, so she had to fly down for the weekend. Naturally, she can't go alone so I went with her. The weekend started off fantastic as we got bumped into First Class. Even the water tastes better. I didn't feel bad at all as I watched all the peasants file by to ride in storage class. :)

It was the LA Times Travel and Tourism Convention in downtown. So, on Saturday and Sunday, she worked and I checked out all the places I'll probably never go, unless I win the Lotto.

It was really nice in Downtown LA and we ate at some great restaurants. We just lived it up.

But on Monday, we decided to hit Disneyland for the DAY!!! It rained like crazy, which was fantastic to keep the lines short. Disneyland must have a conspiracy with the weather because we bought the $138 for tickets, $15 for ponchos, and $40 for hats and we had just walked in the gates...I guess we were trying to recover the economy on our own in one shot.

We got to meet up with two of our fantastic friends from college, Derek - Hailey, and the cutest little girl in the world, Miss Vivian. She met Janice and asked her, "Are you Cinderella?" Then, after a couple hours hugged my leg and said, "I love Mr. Corey..." I have to admit, she is so cute that if she asked me to rob a bank I'd say, "Just a second sweetie, let me get my coat!" It's so great to see Derek and Hailey who'd drive 90 minutes to see us at Disneyland in the rain. Although it rained until they got there, stopped and turned into great weather. But as soon as they left it started raining again! Talk about incredible friends!

We hit all our rides and never waited more than 5 minutes. The walk to a ride was longer than the wait! In fact, at the end of the night, we stayed on Splash Mountain for three trips straight. The girl said, "No one's in line. Want to go again?" After that third time, the Brer Rabbit song kinda gets annoying though...