I've been learning things about myself lately. if you would have confronted me about them, I would have denied it. But I have discovered literally over the last several days, how far I've drifted from God and I had no idea. Not foundationally by any means. I'm confident at any point in my life, I could never be swayed to believe anything other than what i know to be true. That Christ died for me, I'm forgiven, a new creation....apart from Him, I am nothing. I pray, I attend bible studies, and I attend church. I love the Lord. Shouldn't that be enough? I allowed myself to be deceived that it was. And gradually, without knowing, seeds of doubt and fear were planted in my heart. I accepted those fears, praying over them, yes, but not rebuking them. Not absolutely refusing to allow them to be a part of my life. And without even realizing it a slow, crippling habit began to form. Life and all it's difficulties became something to react to, to fight off, to put blinders on and plow through hoping nothing touched me or my family. Other people's sad stories became possibilities for my own life. I began to put myself in their position...What would I do, How would I react? I couldn't find any joy in the everyday. This wasn't and isn't, me. It's not who God intended me to be. It's not the wife my husband deserves and it's not the mother my son needs.
How could this have happened?
It turns out there is a difference between praying throughout the day, attending church, and participating in bibles studies..and actually being so full of Jesus and God's word there is no room for anything else. There is a difference between living in peace hoping my circumstances stay pleasant and knowing they won't stay pleasant and still being joyful. Peter talks about this a lot. Suffering. Accepting it. Being joyful because of it. Behaving in it's midst to where others take notice and want what you have. As I read it, the Lord revealed again no one is exempt from hardships. He is keenly aware of what our future holds. Not only that, He knows the end. And if He knows how things end, He must provide the means to arrive at that end. And so He carries me through.
But the key is spending time in His Word. As a result it will trump every doubtful, negative, anxious, prideful, ugly thought we have.
So that's where I begin. Ephesians 6: 13-18. The Armor of God.
